Everyone Just Wants To Be Liked and Accepted. Except for Tim.

Tim doesn't give a shit

 

I don’t know who drew that cartoon. I have posted it for years on my Facebook. At least once a year on days when I felt really down.

The picture expresses a lot about my emotions. About who I am now. I also suppose it expresses some kind of denial about what others think, when in reality, of course, you (I) care.

It stems from decades of rejections and prejudice. Being judged on a daily bases, bullying, harassment, violence. Every day being told you are nothing. Every day being ignored by everyone. Even your own family, teachers, mentors. I guess you could say that a huge chasm, not cracks, a huge damn chasm opened and I slipped right through.

I’m resentful. I’m overprotective of my own children, trying to shield them from the shit of the world. While at the same time sharing and showing them what it really is. I’m realist and I don’t hide facts or even my opinions from my kids. We love them and are honest with them.

I think the reality of our “situation” in life has also caused great stress among my five children. The youngest at 11 to the oldest at 21. Among them I see amazing people becoming adults. The older two, as much as it kills me, making their own life mistakes and hopefully learning from them. Thier environment for the first several years of their lives wasn’t the greatest at all. It killed us as parents to live in an area that most would consider “dangerous” with violence, drugs… The Cancer in my life not only destroyed me, it destroyed our environment and living.

You have to do what you have to do… To survive. The mental state this puts a man, a husband, and father in is dangerous. Especially when that father is used to being betrayed by all, walked on, looked down on and shit on for most of his life. I am then shoved in with the rest of the cattle. Each of us trying to survive.

In twelve years since I was told I had Stage 3b cancer, there have only been two doctors that listened to me, cared a little and didn’t keep their hand on the doorknob when they came in to see me

 

Disregard can become a shield and even comfortable. The violence, abuse, and anger in my life created a brick wall of emotion. I am amazed, my wife saw past it. She tells me I wear a constant scowl on my face. It has become my “normal” relaxed face. I’m a big guy, 6′ 4″ and quite large.

Sweet older ladies lock(ed) their doors when I walked by. As they should. Trust no one… Never take them at their word. Never believe the information. In these beliefs, I think why would a single soul ever trust me, I don’t trust them.

I’m trying hard to teach my children to care. I’m also trying to show them the world is a hard place. I think sometimes I fail them in so many ways when it comes to social life.

I joke sometimes, that I know I was/will be a successful parent, if my children need less therapy then I did! Haha… Will they though? I hope so.

I have become a recluse. I go outside once a month now, only because I have to financially. My illness has caused a chain reaction emotionally, physically and socially. Making ripples throughout our family.

I hope my family, especially my kids forgive me.

 

Random thoughts…

TL Stafford

 

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21 comments

  1. I respect your article, and yes i see it’s not only you who is facing this problem but there are thousand out there with the same problem.. I would like to say something that might change your life instantly.

    “Recall your past self – childhood, teenage etc and recall all the moments of hurt. When people said you cannot do it, or “you are worthless” … Surrender yourself to this criticism and that’s when you take hold of yourself…. Reframe “each and every” hurtful situation into something amazing. Trick your mind. It does not knows what’s real and what’s the past or future. It see the now. So close your eyes, recall the moment, forgive those who hurt (in your mind) and change the whole view acc. to you. Change the situation in which you were said,”You are nothing, worthless etx” into “You are Amazing, creative etc”… That’s how life transforms give it a try ❤

  2. I think what you are saying is an amazing idea. I think it would change my life in so many ways to just stop and make that internal view switch to the positive. You knew there was a “But” coming right? The violence, the hate. The damnation. The beatings and cursings and disgusted looks. There was so much more venom then good, for awhile I was nothing but hate and violence myself. I don’t know how I made myself change or what made me switch. It was an inner choice, very much like what you are saying I would imagine. There is a darkness there filled with hate, cancer, pain and a past. I don’t know what tools to use, mental imagery, Feelings, memories. There were so many lies. My own defense is doubt and mistrust. So… I’m trying to figure it out. I think before I can do what you suggest. I need to speak with someone who knows my mind better than I do. That seems impossible at the moment. LOL…

  3. Aw! At least, you realised. That’s the most important aspect. I hope you continue to improve and remain positive for your family. Remain blessed🙏🏼

  4. Keep writing and reaching out through your blog…you have overcome huge obstacles and are experienced and resillient! Share your lived knowledge.

    You are further away from all the past negativity than you ever have been before!!

    Stop… and take one minute each day to write down 3 positives in your day (a blue sky, a hug from your wife or children, a good strong cup of tea), constantly re-read your entries…you’ll soon begin to shift your focus to positives instead of negatives and you’ll see how far you have come and how much you have going for you! Enjoy the adventure! Marie.

  5. To you and the others who have to combat this beast called Cancer, you have my sympathies but I also admire you for your strength. I bet you found strength you never knew you had after your diagnosis, despite as low as you were feeling on the day that you wrote this post. Keep fighting.

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