I don’t know who drew that cartoon. I have posted it for years on my Facebook. At least once a year on days when I felt really down.
The picture expresses a lot about my emotions. About who I am now. I also suppose it expresses some kind of denial about what others think, when in reality, of course, you (I) care.
It stems from decades of rejections and prejudice. Being judged on a daily bases, bullying, harassment, violence. Every day being told you are nothing. Every day being ignored by everyone. Even your own family, teachers, mentors. I guess you could say that a huge chasm, not cracks, a huge damn chasm opened and I slipped right through.
I’m resentful. I’m overprotective of my own children, trying to shield them from the shit of the world. While at the same time sharing and showing them what it really is. I’m realist and I don’t hide facts or even my opinions from my kids. We love them and are honest with them.
I think the reality of our “situation” in life has also caused great stress among my five children. The youngest at 11 to the oldest at 21. Among them I see amazing people becoming adults. The older two, as much as it kills me, making their own life mistakes and hopefully learning from them. Thier environment for the first several years of their lives wasn’t the greatest at all. It killed us as parents to live in an area that most would consider “dangerous” with violence, drugs… The Cancer in my life not only destroyed me, it destroyed our environment and living.
You have to do what you have to do… To survive. The mental state this puts a man, a husband, and father in is dangerous. Especially when that father is used to being betrayed by all, walked on, looked down on and shit on for most of his life. I am then shoved in with the rest of the cattle. Each of us trying to survive.
In twelve years since I was told I had Stage 3b cancer, there have only been two doctors that listened to me, cared a little and didn’t keep their hand on the doorknob when they came in to see me
Disregard can become a shield and even comfortable. The violence, abuse, and anger in my life created a brick wall of emotion. I am amazed, my wife saw past it. She tells me I wear a constant scowl on my face. It has become my “normal” relaxed face. I’m a big guy, 6′ 4″ and quite large.
Sweet older ladies lock(ed) their doors when I walked by. As they should. Trust no one… Never take them at their word. Never believe the information. In these beliefs, I think why would a single soul ever trust me, I don’t trust them.
I’m trying hard to teach my children to care. I’m also trying to show them the world is a hard place. I think sometimes I fail them in so many ways when it comes to social life.
I joke sometimes, that I know I was/will be a successful parent, if my children need less therapy then I did! Haha… Will they though? I hope so.
I have become a recluse. I go outside once a month now, only because I have to financially. My illness has caused a chain reaction emotionally, physically and socially. Making ripples throughout our family.
I hope my family, especially my kids forgive me.