I Need to Pee

I need to Pee

I’m Frozen in a deep dark.
Yeah, it’s one of those moments.
Lost and scared and no direction to go.
Lost… A wave of anxiety…
I’m awake…
I need to pee…
I’m watching them crawl across the walls…
I close my eye’s…
My chest hurts…
I need to pee…
I’m crying…
They are on me now, their little fingers, probing…
It’s not fair, I’M AWAKE!!!
I can’t move yet…
I need to breathe, they won’t go away…
I’m sitting up, when did I sit up?
I need to pee…
The walk in the dark is hard.
I’m trying to keep my eyes closed.
Can’t afford oxygen machine anymore…
I’m running low tonight…
I can’t stand to piss, I will fall soon.
I sit, the jewels plunging into icy-water.
My eyes shoot open in surprise.
The urine flows instantly…
They are everywhere…
Moving, crawling…
I try to scream.
Lack of saliva leaves me speechless.
My pain radiates and hits my head.
I think to myself, “I’m going to die, fat, on a toilet, covered in monsters or hallucinations, what’s the difference???”
“Are you okay?” My wife says to me from her sleep.
I’m sitting up and crying. I still can’t breathe. My O2, low…
But I can still see them…
I can see them…
“I need to Pee…”

T.L. Stafford
6/16/2019

22 comments

      • I hope you can get that oxygen machine – reach out to see if an organization can help you … it is wrong that you cannot breathe 100% … I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

      • But you were in the service weren’t you – does that not entitle you to some help? My next-door neighbor had advanced COPD for years and was on oxygen in the house. She could walk all over in and outside the house with the air tubes. She was on Medicare as she was in her 70s – a one-time, 4-pack-a-day smoker she said. Keep trying so you can improve your quality of life. How about your doctor … does he have resources which could help you get it cheaper if not donated?

      • No, I wasn’t in the service. It’s a long drawn out story. I have some insurance. Oxygen providers around here (only “one” for my area) want my entire deductible up front. Then 20 bucks a month from me. I can afford the 20 a month
        I can’t afford the entire deductible. I can buy my own machine for that amount of money. Though, we are “low” income, qualifications federal and state have changed the last few years. So we make TO MUCH money to get “asistance” with oxygen, because oxygen is considered a supplemental item and not a life saving requirement. Leaving them off the hook as a company so they can make a profit and not be responsible, lol… they do provide assistance to some. But like I said, somehow, we make TO MUCH, money… what a laugh. We survive, we don’t live. Anyway… that is basically it.

      • I’m sorry – I think I associate the PTSD with the service. I hate that companies are not accommodating in the least and the BS they give about low income is ridiculous as well. I am low income as well – on Obamacare and it does not cover optical or dental which is just ridiculous. Got new glasses a few weeks ago … not designer glasses by any means, and them and an eye exam was over $550.00. Just crazy. If I did not get a check for insurance from my boss which I use for the Obamacare, dental, optical and long-term disability insurance ($1,300 per year – ridiculous), I’d be in the poorhouse.

      • I think most people relate PTSD to service. I did for most of my life. Trauma effects so many people in differant ways. 😦 I kow it is an issue I have and yet have been to therapy in an attemp to fix it in over 15 years, lol… Someday… As far as insurance, going to the docs office and getting in the cattle lines. Sort of tired of all of it. So, eventually, I said F*** it all, and just deal with the breathing.

      • Sometimes you just have to do it because they make you jump through lots of hoops. My father left my mother in 1984 – he just up and left, and forged her name to take all the money out of the bank and an annuity fund and then left the country. My mom was just 58 but had a car accident at age 11 and had 42 operations – she worked before she had me but that had been years before (1956). So he was not paying her insurance and she was on lots of different meds – she tried to get on Medicaid – she was told she had to go to work and was “fit to work” … she told him what to do with the Medicaid and said she knew people (our neighbor but she didn’t name names) who was milking the system so go ahead, give it all to them. He didn’t care and yes, sometimes you just say “F*** it all. PTSD can result from trauma too – I do know that, rape, incest, an accident, but yes, people associate it with military service. I am a legal secretary and we had a case one time where a worker was in a chemical plant (we represented the chemical company – BASF) and there was a fire and explosion where he worked. He was not injured physically, but had PTSD. I believed him, he was a nervous wreck and they had psychologists to prove the incident changed his lift forevers, but no, the big chemical company was not found liable as they could not prove it. Some things are just plain wrong. Take care of yourself the best you can.

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